When I talked To My Father

Our relationship could have gotten much better. I wish I was more of a parent than a guardian.

Author: Dushime O. Yabes

Filled with so much silence, everyone seems not to have taken in everything easily.

What was the problem? Me!

I had used all the savings he had put to my account to fix the repairs and had just told him yesterday that all money was kept at the bank; not a single penny missed.

He had learnt of my misbehavior at school that he was never called for because I always wanted to keep myself some money because he thought all I need were books, a bag, a school uniform and a good daily ride not knowing I also wanted to go to the canteen too at break time.

It was so much done that he didn't know yet he seemed a root cause in a way he didn't understand. Out of the bonding confusion and so much desperation.

Cheeks with rolling tears and our hearts seem so heavy burdened that we are split into pieces. We were trying to get everyone's peace of mind back.

Everyone is so quietly speaking to his consciousness to find out the solution.

On the other side, Dad is lost in thought pretending to be catching news on TV but everyone can realize that he's so far from reality.

He can't talk about the fact that his premier league favorite team lost ticket to the champions league the next season.

We were all terrified about what's to happen next.

Out of the bonding confusion and so much desperation. He calls out my name.

"Andrew ....., it was not like that, I wish I could have made things right and got time to consider what you needed most instead of worsening things, thinking what it's the right thing I should do. I never wanted to be the dad I was."

Dad sorrowfully talked like some words were choking him.

"Now, I will go to my room. I can't think right at the moment but y'all have to gimme some time to sort myself out and revise means of how to make it up to you guys and regain whatever we have lost as a family."

He continued as he walked to his room but instantly came back heading to the room that's close to the sitting room with a couple clothes and a tower on his hand and his admired night wears like John and Caleb always said every other night.

In a worried tone mom says, " James, what are you doing? Why are they doing that all of a sudden? You know you can't sleep there, right? "

Dad looks back and says;

"Why can't I ? Because I seem like a reactive bad guy again now?

I just asked every one of you some time to think off and time to be alone. Isn't that alright and besides I can still make decisions in my family right?" With a change of moods on his face, he said and went in.

"But that's John's new room .....?"

Dad looks back and turns his eyes to John and asks,

" Can't you sleep with your brother Caleb for just two days before I make myself straight?''

John nods back and dad said his good night. Mom is in so much tears and fear that everything would turn out to be the worst. She kneels and cries out in a prayer;

" Dear God, please mend our family back and give my husband and my son a good father-son relationship in which they can open up to each other..."

As she continued her prayers kneeling down, with so much guilty on my face and lots of questions in my heart, I start listening to my own voice whispering,

"Had you had been quiet, everything could have been like before."

I stood up and walked to my room that seemed miles farther than usual because my mind was flashing an hour of me pouring my heart a billion times in a second.

Again and again, the loop of the hour was so torturing that even when I reached my bed it never stopped in my dreams.

It was now past midnight and our conversation had started as soon as we had just finished taking our supper that's always served by 8:00pm.

Waking up, I was just lying on the bed without any sheet to cover me up from last night's freezing and a widely open door which is only that open when mom is cleaning my place with my cousin Vanessa that now stays with us at home. But now, there was none.

I went to my bathroom, had a shower and went for breakfast and there I found everyone with dad asking if I was already up and ready to have lunch with them.

I sat to the nearest chair I could find avoiding to get too close to my father like before because opposite to mom's seat, there was my seat too.

Everyone kept on staring at me without a blink and no one said a thing except for mom who was also still serving and only asked to be passed a pea-dish to give some to my Dad.

No sooner had we finished, I went back to my room and this time locked it up and in a second I was already snoring.

Hours later, I was called by my mom asking if I was having supper and said,

"Just go away, I am fine. I just ate anyway."

Mom walked from my room and I went back to my sleep. The next day, zz-ii-hiz-izz my bed alarm went off and I got up in wonder of why it never woke me up earlier yesterday and now as I moved to get breakfast, I met my dad and he said;

"Son, do you think we can spare some time and get to talk in the evening? I will be back from work earlier today."

"That's okay, I am here all day anyway."I replied.

He moved out and I continued to the dining room for breakfast.

Hours past, Dad was already back from work by 6:00pm and he called me out to his room.

"Son, I know we are in very different and hard times for now. But, it's neither your fault nor anyone else's but that's why we need to talk," He said.

"There's something we can do, isn't it....?" As I tried to keep my attention and try to keep my eyes fixed at him but wouldn't because of the guilt I felt.

" Hey, are you here?" He asked,

"Yes, I am listening", I replied and he smiled at me.

" Son, please understand that all I did seemed like resentment but it wasn't my intentions.

I just wanted you to mature up because we were in a different situation and your mother was still struggling with her life," he continued.

"I wanted you to be able to handle problems like I was but that was wrong. I wish I was good at making decision and solving problems like your mother does."

I never was a good father, I might have thought that all you needed was a good school, health, and safety but that was not right.

All you needed was someone who was with you in life without a mother. Someone who truly felt the pain you guys were feeling.

You didn't need a caretaker. From there we could have helped each other out if not watch after each other.

Our relationship could have gotten much better. I wish I was more of a parent than a guardian.

I could have been more of a friend than someone who watched over you.

You wouldn't get to hide things from me, only to find out when you are in trouble.

As he said that, I remembered the time I hit someone teaching myself how to drive. He had told me to take driving lessons but never did. So, to fix my car accident, I secretly used the money that my dad put on my bank account.

"I want to be a father that shares with you, a friend you can always open up to and a dad who's so concerned about our son-dad relationship."

He continued with tears streaming down on his cheek and then pushed a little bit closer and held my hand as I was seated in deep thoughts and use of my brains.

"Let's just save our relationship together with our family's and build a better and stronger foundation where we all have a sense of belonging and love rather than just physical needs." He said.

"Yes, Yes I want that!" Then, I couldn't hold myself anymore.

I hugged my dad tightly and we both soaked in tears that mom rushed to the room and saw us hugging and also started crying without us noticing.

Clearing her throat, she said, "Can I join you boys, I see you're having a good time?" With a smile on Dad's face.

This is a boys' that we can't let you in but surely a hug, uhmm yes come join us. He said and mom smiled in tears and walked to us and hugged again.

It hasn't been decades back nor has it been so long since then but that has been the best memory of my family and I. I couldn't have thought of what our lives and livelihood could have been when I had not talked to my father.

Have you ever had a similar experience with your dad? Please share your experience in the comment section below.