My Dream Future Was Bright, Until I Met Him.

It started from that awkward moment in the bookshop where I worked, to lunches and dinners and being a loyal client since he bought books from me every Friday evenings. I was deeply lost in him. I forgot the person I used to be with those aspirations, dreams, and competencies. I became whatever he wanted me to be until I forgot what my dream future looked like.

Author: Aline Igihozo

I have always been an enthusiastic girl with dreams and aspirations. Yeah I always thought I have made it in life until I met Peter and totally lost it. I broke my pride into pieces and became vulnerable that my mouth opened like an idiot when he entered into my bookshop. The bookshop I worked in.

He came in looking tall and handsome. He was all I always dreamt about. He started asking about some book titles, and I really wasn’t attentive when he talked. I was just there staring at his face. With him standing in front of my desk, I started wondering if he was real.

“Miss? Have we met before? You kinda look like you trying to bring back a memory” he said smiling. Then I lost all the pride left in me. I swallowed hard, waking up and realizing I have been acting like a complete idiot.

“No sorry, I ah, I guess I remembered someone who looks a lot like you.” I gave such a lame excuse. Of course the person I referred to was the one I always dreamed about. He repeated his titles and bought the books, and left.

I couldn’t believe it though, until I saw him leaving and I wanted to ask for his number. I run to the door, and suddenly. my pride caught me. I stood there freezing in the bookshop’s door watching him leaving my sight completely, and forever maybe. I wasn’t sure.

I couldn’t think straight afterwards, I started hunting for all the things I could’ve told him, I should’ve asked for his number anyway! We are in the 21st century right? I could’ve done so much to have him stick around. But instead, I watched him go.

Days and weeks passed. Still no sight of him at my bookshop. It was irritating that I even talked to my boss into bringing a reviewing notebook where clients should leave their experience and their contacts.

“I am doing this for my job. I love what I do.” I told myself.

Peter came back after like a month. I was starting to forget he existed. Suddenly there he was. He came to mess up my mind and leave again. I thought. I behaved so calm and professional that day. I was proud of my progress. So he asked for some titles again, I found them and he paid.

Then he left again. I didn’t know what to feel that time, except telling myself he was a coward. As I was starting to talk to myself in my lonely bookshop's cornered chair, I heard his voice.

He was back, and hopefully for good.

“Actually miss, I would like to have your number if you don’t mind. Maybe I can just call you whenever I need books and you send them over so I don’t have to keep coming back here all the time.”

Of course I was flattered, but then I thought he was taking so long giving explanations, so I gave him my business card.

“Here you go, I will be waiting for your call.” That was me again sounding super stupid in front of him. Peter was sweet with me.

It started from that awkward moment, to lunches and dinners and being a loyal client since he bought books from me every Friday evenings. We ended up finding romance in every life we were living together. A year passed like a day and I became his fiancé. I was in control until this relationship started becoming everything I had fantasized about in colors. I was deeply lost in him. I forgot the person I used to be with those aspirations, dreams, and competencies I told you about. I became his, and all his. I became whatever he wanted me to be.

I didn’t care anymore, I wanted him to be mine and be his. We got married later. I believed I married the man of dreams and thought then I could go back to my old me. Well, think about it. I had my person finally to myself forever. What was there to fight for anymore than my dreams and aspirations in life?

I started jogging every morning. Peter said he didn’t like it when he woke up and I wasn’t there. At the beginning, I loved the way he said it, until at some point he started seeming aggressive about it. Two months later after marriage, Peter said he didn’t want me to go anywhere because I was the housewife.

I hated it. Remember, I am a dreaming woman. I felt like he was stopping and blocking me from my future. I didn’t take it seriously of course. One fine morning I went for a run.

It felt so inspiring and I thought of fighting for my voice against his. I thought about telling him things I wanted to achieve and all I dreamt about. I knew deep in my bones that he would understand. I told myself his resistance was only because he hasn’t heard me yet.

I got home tired. I had done 8km for the first time in a while. Peter was standing in the kitchen making himself breakfast. “Ooh men, this is bad.” I thought out loud.

He studied me as I was coming closer, feeling so embarrassed and ashamed in my sportswear, but he made no sound. And that scared me. Well, something felt off and I had a bad feeling about what was going to happen. And there it was. He slapped me in the face.

“I think I made it clear when I said you are a housewife. Not some brat pretending to have dreams. See, when I married you, you were ready to be a wife and I thought you were past all the stupid and childish actions behind Bella” He told me. No, he yelled at me for the first time in a while pronouncing my name, Bella.

It was then that I knew it. He would never support me. He would always look at me as a wife to stay at home. Therefore, he would always say I had no reason to have dreams and aspirations because when I became his wife, everything was gone.

I was just a pathetic young woman, married for two months to the wrong guy that I wasn’t going to divorce. Finding happiness with him seemed impossible. Days passed, I got beaten for taking long to the supermarket because he thought I was meeting people (meaning men). I forgot what it looks like visiting friends, and some of them even forgot about me. I totally lost it.

I had no future, and no right to visualize it. For the sake of my reputation, my family’s I couldn't run away from my home.

He is the future I chose the day I married him. Fortunately, I didn’t know I was giving upon mine.

There I was, every morning looking through my window, reflecting on all I could’ve become. If I could just break one law and go jogging. How could I? I had to save my marriage, so I forgot what my dream future looked like.