What If I Hurt Them? The Truth About Giving People Constructive Criticism.

“I know that someone needs to tell them, but why me?” I don’t know what you guys are made of; I think you are very gifted, because ME, I’m terrible at it.

Author: Utuje Bénie

A friend of mine called me and said that I was asocial. She said that I push away people who want to be friends with me. She didn’t even try not make it sound harsh like saying “sometimes people fear you, maybe you could try to be a little more friendly” or something else.

She just said it bluntly, exactly as she thought it. Who does that?! I can’t lie that it didn’t make me feel slightly bad but I wasn’t upset with her. I rather admired her courage.

I’m always astonished by people who are comfortable with telling others their mistakes and what they do wrong. I don’t know what you guys are made of; I think you are very gifted, because me, I’m terrible at it.

It’s really not an enjoyable thing to do. I am like “I know that someone needs to tell them, but why me?” and I’m sure there are many people like me.

However, I know for a fact that "honesty" being difficult for almost everyone isn’t a justification to keep my mouth shut. It doesn’t make lying right.

For starters, lying means presenting a wrong impression and this involves pretending that it is okay when it is not and also, omitting the truth.

It may take me all the effort I have to bring myself to start the “awkward conversation” with someone, especially those I care about, but I do it anyway.

I can’t tell whether it is precisely because I love them, looking out for their future or because I hate having to guess what I’m doing wrong. Either way, it is necessary.

Feeling uncomfortable with being completely honest especially about the wrongdoings of others isn’t easy. The reasons are understandable.

We don’t want to hurt them or make them think that we are judging them and hate us. So, it is basically because we love them and we love ourselves too.

Dishonesty is a poor manifestation of love. The necessity of honesty in any kind of relationship far exceeds all the excuses we give ourselves not to be honest.

The reasons are many but I just want to share with you a few of them.

1. Our tolerance and patience aren’t infinite.

It’s conceivable to be afraid of hurting the people you love and choosing to carry the burden alone. No matter how forgiving you are, when someone does you wrong consistently, you will finally get overwhelmed and break whatever connections you had with them.

It’s not impatience. We’re created that way. So in order to preserve our relationship with a people, we need to have enough bravery to say;

“You did wrong”,

“That’s not the right decision to make”,

“You hurt me”,

“You need to change this”.

To state the obvious, telling me that I did wrong doesn’t make me feel good. I know that it will hurt. You know what hurts me much more?

Losing my friendship with you because I constantly wronged you to such an extent that you couldn’t put up with it anymore; when you could have told me and helped me to change.

2. Correction is a sign of love.

Apart from helping you not to lose your friends or job (in case of employer-employee relationship) in the future, being honest also saves the other person from making mistakes or failing.

Sometimes children adopt what they see by thinking that their parents are mean and unsympathetic people in the whole world. And who can blame them? Tell me who else can have the bravery to tell children all their mistakes like their parents do.

But when the children grow up they understand that their parents did all that out of love. Good Parents know that children are their responsibility.

Therefore, instead of satisfying the children’s need for approval, they choose to hurt them a little for them to build a better character. When it comes to parenting, a child’s instant gratification means nothing to the parents compared to the values they have to instill in the child.

If we claim to love people, this is exactly how we should act. Yeah, no one wants to be perceived as mean or brutal but we should tolerate it if we truly care about them. It’s what friends and family are for.

Consider a scenario like this: You are walking with a friend and notice they’ve got their t-shirt inside out but because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, you are compelled to tell them that they look nice.

At the end of the day, someone else will laugh at them and they’ll be crushed to know that you knew it the whole time and didn’t say a word.

3. We deserve to be treated well.

A lot of people often confuse ignorance with malice. They blame others for selfishness and being inconsiderate while those being blamed don’t even know what they are doing wrong.

The worst part is that they don’t get a chance to explain themselves or change because it all happens in the minds of the victims. Not saying a thing while you are being unfairly treated practically implies that you are an accomplice in the violation of your rights.

I’m not oblivious to the fact that bad people exist nor am I supporting people wronging us. I’m saying that sometimes maybe they don’t know and we should inform them. People don’t read minds, so you better be clear about how you expect to be treated and your boundaries.

Conclusion: Do it politely yet seriously.

Truth be said, our attempts to correct others won’t always bring the intended results. It may be because the other person doesn’t receive feedback well in their nature or how you delivered the message.

• Maybe you came to them while you were still angry and your words came out wrong than anticipated.

• You might like to blame them and they’ve gotten used to your remarks and no longer take them seriously.

• They don't take it seriously when you are joking around.

There is no point in denying that we hate exposing our flaws. That’s why when you don’t communicate your intentions in pointing out someone’s mistakes well, they may get the wrong impression that you are trying to show them how better you are. So you should make sure that there is no hint of a sense of superiority in your tone.

As much as you shouldn’t act as if what they’ve done is sacrilegious, you shouldn’t also diminish the importance of what you are telling by joking around or letting your face give that impression either.

People we interact with are our responsibility and we are theirs too. Since there isn’t anyone who does no wrong, we are required to help and correct each other for our own sakes.

Do your duty and those who will hate you for that aren’t worth of being your friends anyway.