The Secret To Remarkable Relationships

Relationships don’t fail because people do bad things to each other. More often, it is because they don’t do enough good things for each other. ~Jay Shetty

Author: Sauti Zetu.

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One book that has helped me build strong relationships with people is, "No One Understands You And What To Do About it" by Heidi Grant Halvorson. I highly recommend this book.

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One rich CEO went to see a priest for marriage counseling. When he arrived, he was told, counseling would take a month. Out of his naivety he responded;

I don’t have that kind of time. Who needs all that time to learn about marriage?

To which the priest replied:

Let me ask you a question. How many years did it take you to become a CEO?

"Six years," he answered.

And how about your degree. How long did it take you to get it?

"About ten years,”

Then the priest said; and who do you think will be with you when you get sick, cook your meals, live with you, and someday hold your hand in your dying bed?

Your job, your degree, your wife or your material things?

The CEO was left with no words to say.

This is why relationships have become synonymous with pain, suffering, and heartbreak. It is because people have put their priorities on material things rather than in people. We have put our attention to temporary and depreciating priorities.

We have lost touch and focus with the real source of all wealth. True wealth starts with people. We have lost the meaning of what it is like to be human. We have prioritized material things and forgot the reason we do all those things to begin with.

The story of this CEO isn't new. I know a lot of people who don't think human relationships are important. You will hear people proudly claim to never ever need anyone in their lives.

What do you think is going on? Men still have things they wish women knew about them, and women still feel invisible and less appreciated.

I believe some people give up on relationships because they were hurt. It's also because the majority of us lack the right tools, skills, and wisdom to build strong and long lasting relationships. So we give up because we are afraid of failure.

Only a handful of people know what it takes to build great relationships. Relationships shouldn't be a dream that we are chasing. Should they be hard, complicated, or confusing? Maybe?

Is it possible to have a great relationship? Yes! Here is how.

Imagine if our homes would be a place where people can't wait to run to and enjoy the company of their families and lovers. Unfortunately, for many of us, this seems to be a far away dream. But it doesn't have to be that way.

According to most predictions, your marriage has only a 50-50 chance of not ending in divorce. ~ Bob Grant

I believe change is possible. I believe we can manifest whatever we put our mind and heart to. This shouldn't be hard if we really crave and long to relate to one another. (This is what men crave.)

If it's our burning need to love and be loved, then we should do whatever it takes to make it happen as long as it's healthy. (Blow her mind with this.)

The purpose of this article is to share strategies and practices that will guarantee you a blissful and heavenly relationship with your family, friends, and lovers. You will learn what it takes to connect with people and how to maintain that connection.

While many are lost without guideline, this article will show you concrete rituals, skills and practices that can transform any relationship (no matter how terrible it may be now) once they are applied correctly.

Part I. Why You Need Relationships

Why are relationships a big deal? You may wonder. They are a big deal because relationships are one of Self Determination Theory of Motivation of human beings;

• Relatedness; relatedness refers to the social nature of human beings and the connectedness with others. Both can be considered as being part of the pan-human psychology and both are intrinsically intertwined. The puzzling thing is, how do you relate to anyone without knowing them from inside out? Both men and women claim to be misunderstood. (If you are a man struggling to understand women, read this guide. If you are a woman struggling to understand men, read more here.)

• Competence; the need to produce desired outcomes and to experience mastery.

• Autonomy; the need to feel ownership of one's behavior

We are wired to seek connection to people around us. This need is beyond romantic relationships. It is about friendships, connection, and having someone you can rely on. The one and only reason relationships fail is;

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them — work, family, health, friends, and spirit… and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls — family, health, friends, and spirit — are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same.” ~Brian Dyson.

Not everyone knows how to actually keep and maintain relationships. It is easy to start one. We make friends all the time in work places, community, churches, meetings, markets, and online on social media or dating apps.

Unfortunately, few of us know little about how to maintain relationships.

We understand how to maintain our houses, cars, and other material possessions but not relationships. Truth is, none of us can be a fully functioning and balanced healthy human being without our physical, emotional, intellectual, social, environmental, and occupational dimensions being fulfilled.

When is the last time you invested time to educate yourself about relationships, your social life or even your emotional life?

The majority of us have been trained since childhood to only care about our physical, intellectual, environmental, and occupational dimensions of life. But that is not all we need to be a healthy balanced human being.

I admit it can be a tedious and difficult assignment to be a healthy human being who can score high on all these dimensions. The idea is not to keep a great score, rather, it is to maintain a healthy lifestyle that is aware of them.

No matter what you do in life, you can't do it without your health and without people. To think that you can get away with neglecting these two significant things is foolishness.

If we want to have great relationships we need to understand their importance. We need to be willing to pursue and invest in them as if our survival depended on them.

We cannot have what we don't care about enough. When we truly and deeply care and want something, we will usually invest our time and resources into it.

Part II. Practices That Will Strengthen Your Relationships

It is not how beautiful, rich, or strong a person is that makes them good in relationships. To be successful in love and relationships we need more than superficial things.

Now that we can identify the issues within our relationships, the question is what exactly are we supposed to do about it? What are the steps to solving this problem and how do we follow them?

Most of us fail because we can’t figure out what to do on a daily basis to grow and maintain our relationships. The steps below are a few simple habits you can apply:

1. Plan a growth day-Retrospective date

People are hard to know. If we are always fighting and hurting each other, it’s because we don’t take time to actually know each other on the deeper level. Most people crave being understood. (This concept is well documented in this book.)

Whatever you want in life starts by creating it. You can’t just simply wish for great relationships. You need to plan, schedule, and design it consistently. This is what I do. Every week I meet up with my best friend, family members, and lover for a growth day where we do the following;

a. Set a positive atmosphere or environment for yourselves in advance:

• Create and promise “a safe” place to be yourselves. Communicate to one another that each can say what one actually feels and wants without being afraid or being ostracized.

E.g.: Start by saying, "this is a safe place. Nothing you say here will be used against you".

b. Practice Gratitude: Mentioning what each person is grateful for:

• Discuss the things that you are all grateful for e.g. your health, career, sanity, family, friends, and etc... Speak them out loud. Don’t just think about them. Say them out loud, write them down in your journal, or meditate about them.

c. Compliment one another in areas each are doing well:

• Notice about THREE to FIVE significant things your partner, family member, or friend does well.

• Verbally say what you appreciate about your partner, friend, or family member

E.g.: Thank you for providing, taking care of our children, or for morning

kisses.

• Make an actual list if you have to in order to visualize it. You would be surprised at how much you didn’t know your partner does on a daily basis for both of you.

E.g.: doing laundry, paying bills on time, reading to you, planning dates,

providing.

• Remind each other what and why you chose each other.

• Verbalize good memories. Watch old pictures or movies together with your partner, friend, or family member.

(If you are a man struggling to understand women, read this guide. If you are a woman struggling to understand men, read more here.)

d. Have a growth plan by asking the question 'Where do we need to grow'?

This is the area where we recognize our shortcomings and struggles and give each other feedback and constructive criticism without sounding judgmental, condescending, or blaming. This stage is where we acknowledge that we are all flawed human beings who are constantly growing.

It is not WHAT you say, it is HOW you say it.

Saying this is where we need to grow sounds better than this is where YOU need to change. We are very sensitive human beings.

• State what you need more from your partner

E.g.: "I need more quality time". This is if your partner has been taken by

work or other responsibilities.

• Be honest. Say whatever you feel like you are not getting enough in your relationship. As silly it might be, speak out to your partner without shame or guilt. Remember no one can know what you actually like or need unless you tell them.

• Remember to use the “I feel” statement. This makes your partner feel like they are not failing you

E.g.: I feel like I don’t receive enough compliment from you. Or I feel like I give more in this relationship than I receive. Avoid the “You” statements. When you start with “You” you insinuate that your partner was intentionally failing you.

e. Resolution

• Take seriously to your heart everything your partner, friend or family member is saying.

• Take precaution to write them down for future reference. Don’t just listen. If you don’t write them down, I can guarantee you that you will forget them.

• Make a plan of how you will make them happen. If it’s giving more or showing affection, schedule your own time to make those things happen for your partner, friend or family member.

• Avoid being reminded about them or hearing them in the next meeting. People hate reminding and asking for what they want consistently. If there is one thing we all hate more than anything is feeling like we are nagging.

• Remember that failure to provide whatever your partner, friend or family member needs will make them feel like they were rejected. If you can’t meet their requests or needs, make it known. Inform them what is happening.

E.g.: I’m sorry I couldn’t make x, y, z happen this day/week/month but I promise you that I will make it up to you on x, y, z date.

Like anything worth having, blissful relationships don’t happen by accident. They are built. Only those who know the secret and steps to great relationships get to experience the most rewarding feeling of love. To learn more about blissful relationships click here;

2. Form consistent daily, weekly and monthly rituals

Humans are creatures of habits. As James Clear puts it in his book Atomic Habits,

“Your life today is essentially the sum of your habits. How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits. How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits. How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits. What you repeatedly do (i.e. what you spend time thinking about and doing each day) ultimately forms the person you are, the things you believe, and the personality that you portray.”

Here are few habits of my own that have kept my relationships alive and thriving:

• Dr. Rangan Chatterjee the author of Feel Better In Five, advises couples to take five minutes of quality time everyday to reconnect. To make this a smooth habit, you need to learn the art of conversation. If you struggle to make conversation you can learn more here.

• Morning & evening check ins.

• Eating breakfast and/or dinner together.

• Schedule exercise and hiking routines together.

• Always be present when you are talking to your partner.

• Pay attention to the little things your partner does and complement them.

• Reciprocate by using the “what about you question”

• Uplift one another regularly. You never know what one nice word can do to someone.

• Communicate regularly for clarity

• Daily voice notes and love notes.

• Give lots of hugs

• Give morning and good night kisses

• Welcome your partner with enthusiasm and positivity when you wake up, answering your phone, coming back from work. No matter how your day went, show them they are the best thing you are excited to see. Then you can share details of your day afterwards.

(If you want to ensure you live a life of 'happily ever after,' then do yourself a favor and read this book.)

3. Plan and schedule spending time alone with your significant other

Dating doesn’t end when people become lovers or being married. Failing to continue dating is where most relationships start declining. So make it a lifetime commitment to plan date nights.

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson the world renown psychologist and author of 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote For Chaos, advises couples to have biweekly mandatory dates to rekindle their love.

This is a day for just two of you. NO work and NO taking care of anything except yourselves. Here are few things to remember:

a. Make reservations.

1. Look for a babysitter if you have children.

2. Save the money needed for that day or activity

3. Reserve hotels, restaurants, or other places you need to go days or even weeks in advance

4. Make a list of things and activities you would like to enjoy and experience. Here are some examples;

   • Practice soft touch massage

• Read books, watch movies or shows, or listen to music together while sharing each other's tastes/favorite entertainment.

• Plan a dance night

• Play couples games

• Play intimate questions. (For more examples of intimate questions that will bring you close to one another, please click here.)

4. Practice radical transparency

Nothing kills relationships like secrets. Secrets are enemies of intimacy and trust. If you ever want to be close to anyone, try to be open and share your most disgusting secrets. I am not saying you won’t meet people who can’t stomach your truth but it will save you wasting time. A very close friend once told me;

“If people always end up finding out our secrets, why not tell them right away from the beginning?”

I can guarantee you one thing. No best relationships can survive without honesty. The best way to practice radical transparency is by asking questions. If you can't think of any question to ask, try this technique to learn the deepest secrets of any man or woman. This might SHOCK you.

The person you are with is most likely harboring some rather lurid secrets. When these secrets are revealed they will either destroy your relationship or will deepen your bond with one another.

But how do you get someone to reveal their deepest secrets? A world renowned relationship expert has compiled a list of questions that all couples should ask each other. Check out the questions here:

Conclusion

Relationships are complex because of people. We need to have:

1. A growth plan

2. Schedule consistent and frequent dates

3. Have daily rituals

4. And connect more through radical transparency.

We need to keep on learning through reading books, or listening to audiobooks. Reading books isn’t the only way to learn. You can use other methods and tools like audible. I find audiobooks easier to digest. I’d recommend you to try audible and see it for yourself FREE for 30 days and cancel anytime. I have used audible with my friends to read together and discuss later what we have learned.

If we claim to care about relationships and love, then investing time and resources won’t be a problem. As Ramit Seith would say, "show me your calendar and your budget, I will tell you what your priorities are".