How To Have Great And Meaningful Connection

Connection doesn't happen by accident. Even when it does, (sometimes unintentionally) it's doomed to diminish and die if it's not maintained.

Author: Ndahiro Semugeshi

A. Current state

You used to spend days and nights talking almost about anything. You laughed, cried, and joked around and lost track of time. You felt and became one because of connection. Suddenly, all is gone. Vanished and evaporated away.

You wonder. What went wrong? Why they don't show love and care as they used to? Why you are always begging for things that used to be easy? You don't know what happened.

After several months or years, their texts, calls, dates, check-ins, morning voicemails, morning kiss, or long evening conversations no longer happen as they used to. They are non-existing. Then you blame:

• Yourself

• Love

• Technology

• Work

• Time

• Hormones

• Distractions

• Your body

• The weather

• And so forth...

The thing is, none of those excuses are the reason why you no longer feel connected to people in your life.

B. Diagnosis: I don't feel like it syndrome

The lamest excuse I ever heard!

So, what exactly happened? What's really going on? What could be the reason behind lost connections, love, and intimacy? You see, people didn't just disappear. They didn't just start ignoring you (although they might). What changed was your behavior and theirs.

The way you looked in their eyes, the way you talked to them, the way you listened, and the amount of attention and resources you poured to them has incrementally vanished.

What you didn't know, is when it happened. What they didn't know is when they lost you too. It's at that very moment that you both lost trust, passion, and respect for each other. You were no longer the exceptional person in their lives and vice versa. You were now a regular person who didn't mean anything (of course both of you still claim you mean the world to each other while you live on different planets).

So, let's forget "them" and focus on you because you can only be sure of yourself. Let's assume you stopped or lost connection with someone. Why did you stop doing all those amazing things? Whatever reason you can think of, please don't ever say that you didn't feel like it. It's a lame and lazy excuse!!!

Are you always in the mood to work, exercise, learn, or do anything that requires effort in life? NO! Some days you wake up excited but there are days you wake up feeling like sh*t complaining about:

• The weather

• The economy

• Your business

• Your children

• Your job

• etc...

Why haven't you quit that job? Or why haven't you killed (just kidding. haha) those children of yours who are driving you crazy? Think about it. What's astonishing is how you continuously find courage and motivation to do some activities over others (Like smoking pot. Still joking. hahahaha).

So, just because you don't feel like talking, checking on your friend or relatives, taking your significant other on a date, isn't a valid excuse. If you can find the courage to do everything else, you can find courage to connect with people in your life.

There are reasons why people lose interest, passion, and fire. Some people think the problem is in our biology and others think the problem is in other people.

• Why we blame emotions and biology

Let's start with biology. You can't blame your body only when you see it fit. When it's about things you care about, you find a way to influence it (your body and emotions) to do what you want.

There are things you choose to ignore or to administer less effort and priority. Why is that? How come you can run miles to stay fit but claim you have no time to visit or call a friend? The power lies in you.

You have the power to care, love, inspire, encourage, cry, laugh, and to be patient. You also have unpleasant and ugly traits in you. You can hurt, hate, ignore, insult, or curse people. You have wisdom, knowledge, and ability to accomplish whatever you set your mind to.

This is the great secret. Realizing that you have the power to influence your body. But you have to be willing to. It has to be about things you care about. You have to set your mind on those things you want to accomplish.

The question is, where is your mind? Is it on your family, friends, or community? Is it on love, connection, intimacy, and health relationships?

• The ugly truth about emotions

You see, most of us think emotions and behaviors are permanent. We assume once we fall in love or become friends, we remain that way for the rest of our lives.

We assume we will always feel joy, love, and all positive emotions when they occur. What no one has ever taught us is how we are constantly changing.

How you felt this morning isn't how you will feel in the evening. If your emotions can change during the day, can you imagine what will happen after a year or a decade?

The truth is, everything you feel today, isn't permanent. Everything in the universe including us humans, changes. There are seasons, times, and moments for a reason.

Whether it's love, passion, motivation, inspiration, etc...they will change. Some people's emotions and feelings change quickly and others change slowly.

The bottom line is, we all change. Change doesn't just end with our emotions. Change happens in all aspects of our lives.

You will grow tired of your favorite food, entertainment, career, and people. You will be bored and lose interest of the very thing and person who made your world. It's not a crime or a sin. It's not voluntary, it's just humane.

Fortunately, all of this can be avoided once you understand the anatomy of human behavior. If you want to repair your relationships, and form new long lasting connection with people around you, you have to understand this one concept.

Connection doesn't happen by accident. Even if it does, (sometimes unintentionally) it's doomed to diminish and die when it's not maintained.

In order to have constant and flourishing connection with our parents, siblings, spouses, and friends, we need to learn how to make it happen not by accident but by being intentional. We have to develop it as a skill that we can always use when needed.

The problem is, we think, only material things need to be maintained. We know how to maintain cars, houses, careers, and finance but we never think relationships need to be maintained as well.

Your friends, spouse, children, and parents's relationships need to be cared for and regularly maintained. Otherwise they will die forever until you chose to learn to maintain and prioritize them like everything else.

C. Solutions

Here are some suggestion about how to maintain connection in our relationships.

I. Practice intentional conversation

What makes any conversation great is when both participants are aware of the intention behind their conversation. They need to clarify the purpose of their conversation.

They have to define what they are expecting at the end of the conversation.

What makes people feel misunderstood, frustrated, and disconnected during conversations is not knowing which conversation setting or type they are in.

You don't want to be thinking you are having a deep conversation, while the other person is trying to keep it casual. These are types of conversations you can start with:

1. The casual or small talk conversation

This type of conversation can be challenging for a lot of people especially introverts and other people who hate small talk. But small talk play a big role in setting the atmosphere and mood of a conversation.

Small talk are the first step to having a great conversation with a person. It’s like eating appetizers before a big meal. Most people think they can start a conversation going right to the point. It is not easy to have difficult conversation without first breaking the ice.

So, take time to share those details in your personal life that you think are small. They are not small. They are the window to your daily life. Share them. They are not unimportant or stupid as you might think.

One of the challenges most people face during conversations is generating more things to talk about. Usually, people think they have nothing to say.

Which is not true!

There is a lot of information and details in our lives but we are blind and unwilling to notice them and mention them. For example, how do most people answer the question 'how was your day?' 

Most people answer by saying: it was good, or fine, or bad. But they don’t tell you more about it. The best way to answer this question when someone actually wants to know how you spent your day, is to take account of everything you can remember that happened on that day.

I personally do this every day with people in my life when someone asks how my day went.

I usually start with: When I woke up, what I ate, what I did, who I met, and places I went. You can even add more depending on what your life looks like. It can even get better when you can add how you felt during the day, what excited you, and what irritated you. You see!! The list keeps getting long. Every part of your life matters. Sharing those details will increase connection and intimacy.

We get close to people when we know them. Sharing small details of our lives is the first step towards that goal.

2. Deep conversations

After small talks, you can take your conversation to another level. You can elaborate on those small details. When you’ve passed the gateway of the conversation, then you can share more.

Deep conversation touch on big subjects such as inspiration, vision, purpose, and meaning of life. You don’t wanna start a conversation with big topics.

3. Competitive conversations

Competitive conversations are about opinions. These are conversation where you need to get your ideas across. They are testing conversations. People will test your opinions and you need to convince them.

4. Venting conversations

This is a conversation where a person wants nothing but a shoulder and a friend to lean on. They are the center of attention. They want to be heard and understood. It is a one way conversation most of the time.

People want support and comfort to share and release their pain. It is of high importance to know when someone is venting. It is not the time to tell your own problems or give solutions.

It wouldn’t work even if you tried. Your main role is to let people express everything they are feeling. 

5. Advising conversation 

These are conversations where you offer your knowledge, wisdom, expertise, and plans on how to solve a certain problem.

Now the challenge about this type of conversation is knowing who the expert is and who the student or disciple is. It is frustrating trying to give advice to people who don’t know their place.

Most people are terrible at receiving advice. Instead of listening, taking notes, asking more clarifying questions, they complain more and argue.

Giving advice is a skill of its own that needs it own article. But if you find yourself in this type of a conversation, make sure you play your role well. 

II. Create and secure a safe place

The ability to make people feel safe around you is probably the greatest quality one can have.

Making people safe around you is what will draw people near or drive them away. No one wants to talk to someone who makes them uncomfortable. Be the safe place.

How you make people feel, what you say, how you look at them, and the energy you share; All these elements communicate a state of being which people will interpret as either safe or threatening. 

• How to create a safe place

The puzzling question is, how does anyone create a safe place? 

One:

You create a safe place by giving people the freedom and right to say whatever they want without being judged or punished for saying it. You need to give them permission to speak to you without any repercussions. This has to be communicated and mentioned clearly. There has to be a declaration and agreement of a safe place.

I have used this agreement in all my relationships. I always try to communicate this as often as possible. I repeat it every time I have deep, intimate, and tough conversations with anyone. I have to make sure they know that nothing they say will be used against them. 

Two:

You have to prepare your mental state in order to serve people well. It’s one thing so say those words but it’s another thing to go through with it.

People will tell you disturbing information about them that will make you question their sanity. Yet you have to be able to take it and stay objective to the task at hand.

You have to be sure, you can handle anything. You have to be crystal clear that you are willing to sacrifice your mindset, point of views, and beliefs.

A safe space needs to be free of all opinions, beliefs, perspectives, virtues, laws, and anything that can make people shut down and stop sharing their most precious thoughts. 

III. Practice conscious listening

When you listen without interference, disruptions, and distractions people can almost tell you anything.

You have to listen with your eyes, heart, mind, and energy. You have to listen like a student taking instructions from a teacher.

Your most important task is to capture all information that is being shared without subjectivity. Be like a journalist capturing the account of an event. What you can do at the end of every story is to ask more question. Understanding what the other person is saying is your first priority. 

1. Listen like a chef

Imagine you are taking cooking lessons from a world renown chef. What would you do? How would you talk him/her? How would you approach him/her? You would prepare, listen carefully, take notes, and maybe later ask questions.

When we listen with the intent to capture the information as it is from the source without diluting it or changing it, we can repeat it and remember it. This also makes people we are listening to, feel heard and respected for their contribution, experiences, and who they are.

The best way to tell if you are a great listener is to repeat exactly what someone else is saying to you. When you are having a conversation with a person, make sure you can see where they are coming from.

You must be able to stand in their shoes and deliver their message, the way they would have delivered it. Unfortunately, we don’t do this with people in our lives.

It’s easy to know and understand what writers, inventors, and famous people say. But we fail to know what our beloved ones, spouses, friends, and family are trying to communicate to us. 

2. Listen without interruptions

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. ~Stephen R. Covey.

If there is one great skill in the art of listening that is hard to learn is abstaining to respond. It's is utterly hard to sit there and listen without interrupting other people. So, what really makes us rush in and interrupt people we want to help?

• Why we interrupt

We interrupt people because of:

• Our opinions about the subject that is being talked about.

• Our opinions about other people's perspectives about the subject matter.

• Our eagerness to offer solutions to people's problems or challenges.

Most people's intentions are usually good. When we are listening, it's easier to assume what we think is good for people rather than what they actually crave for.

Listening is about other people. When someone is telling a story, it's beneficial to understand what it's all about.

It's about them, their story, their problems or challenges, and their opinions. Once you have a full scope and understanding of people and their intentions behind everything they say, you can proceed to offering various types listening. You need to understand first, in order to offer whatever people need from you.

Good listening is about knowing:

• When to form and offer our opinions about the subject

• When to form and offer our opinions about people and their perspectives.

• When to form and offer advice.

The first and most important step towards good listening is to put other people's interests first during a conversation. It's about understanding people's views, experiences, and needs from their point of view first. However, this practice cannot be achieved when you are busy forming opinions and views about what they are saying.

When you listen with other people in mind and intent to understand them well, you will not interrupt them. You will wait. Even if you interrupt them, it will still be about them.

• How interruption make people feel

Interruptions make people lose their track of thoughts. There are certain conversations types where people can interrupt each other. Casual conversations for example, don't require a high level of uninterrupted sessions.

So, it's wise to first know what kind of a conversation you are in and proceed with caution. Intimate and deep conversations need a low number of interruptions.

When people are expressing their opinions, telling stories, or venting, they need:

• To know we get what they are saying.

• To know they are the center of attention.

• To feel comfortable to express their most precious and tough experiences (anything can scare people away from being open and vulnerable).

• To be assured you are fully present and attentive.

3. Good listening is about hearing small details

It has been said that what makes con artists good at what they do is their ability to catch personal details about a person. In his famous show, World's Best Dad Interview, Jimmy Kimmel demonstrates how men and women differ on how they pay attention to details.

Seeing a man being embarrassed on national TV because he couldn’t remember his daughter’s birthday, (which by the way happened the previous day), shows how men can often times be oblivious.

We assume we know and can store information easily. Only women have been champions of this trait.

Women can remember details more effortlessly than men, it is in their DNA. On the other hand, men need to pay more attention and stay focused in order to capture small details about people.

• Best tools that helps to capture people's details

This is why I recommend anyone who struggles with details to always use a note pad to write down important details or a person they are listening to. 

If you want to respond on something a person said, you need to write it down and respond later.

To remove any misunderstands and awkward moments, let people know that you will be using a notepad.

Explain to them why you need to do it and why it is important for you to remember what they are saying without interrupting them.

Being a man, a creative writer and musician, I easily forget things. To resolve this issue I started using calendars, notepads, and visual boards.

These tools are also good at taking notes at work or when you are learning. I also use them to make sure I don’t miss deadlines and appointments. 

Capturing people’s details isn’t what actually makes people feel like they are being heard or feel special. Personal details like birthdays, middle names, or where so and so went to college are important when you need them.

The kind of details that make people feel connected are: 

• Their unique gestures

• How they laugh

• Their favorite things like: hobbies, food, sports, movies, songs, book.

Want to win someone’s heart?

• Try to remembered how they like their coffee or eggs done.

• Try to offer them their secret craving or guilty pleasure.

They will never forget that.

When we see, notice, describe, show, and offer people’s smallest details of their lives they feel loved, seen and cared for. You will hear them say sentences like: no one knows me better than you. 

IV. Acknowledge peoples sentiments

If there is anything I’ve learned in the past couple of years, is using 'I knowledge your sentiment' sentence.

In his book stumbling on happiness Daniel Gilbert, notes that people’s experiences are subjective. They are utterly unobservable to everyone but to the person having them. 

The best way to make people feel heard is to acknowledge their experiences. They have to know and believe that you believe what they are experiencing is real and true to them.

Don’t try to deny or critique the virility of their experiences. It won’t work. And you will only become the enemy.

The best gift you can give someone who is having a range of experiences is acknowledging their sentiments.

Whatever they are feeling is valid. Don’t take that away from them. 

When listening to someone who is angry, sad, or pissed, try to calm them (not by telling them to calm down) by saying that you acknowledge their sentiments. Affirm their feeling, pain, experiences, and perceptions. Humans need to be validated. 

V. Mirror, reciprocate, and share your experiences

One of the strongest ways to create authentic bonds with people you care about, with the intent to have meaningful conversations, is to reciprocate their kindness, their positive energy, to share your world with them, as well as being as vulnerable with them as they are with you.

On the contrary, remember a time you have had the experience of speaking with someone you care about, either with kindness, enthusiasm or positive energy (showing excitement after not seeing them after a long while), yet, they respond to you with such low energy it is as though they don't even want to be there?

Or, better yet, have you had the experience of being in a one sided vulnerable and open conversation with a friend, sibling, boyfriend/girlfriend, or spouse? And after a while, you realize they do not share certain aspects of their life with you.

How did it feel? Not great I can imagine.

People mirror what we do.

If you find it hard to form long lasting relationships, this could be one of reasons. If people you deem close can’t trust you, be vulnerable with you, feel open having a good time with you, or call you when they are in need, chances are one of you is doing sometime wrong. 

Unless you are not interested in building relationships, you should never engage people in deep and intimate conversations if you are not ready to reciprocate their gestures.

This is one thing that irritates people about other people who want to enjoy conversations without participating. Except narcissists who love all the attention, most people want to know people they are talking to by listening to your stories.

They don’t want to dominate the conversation which makes them look like they don’t care about the person they are taking with. People want to be generous and considerate.

As a natural listener, I experience this a lot. There are people who remain closed and unwilling to reciprocate no matter what I do or try. 

People who have been hurt, traumatized, or with anxious attachment style take a long time to reciprocate.

It is hard for them to share and open up their heart again. In this case, one has to be patient and kind. All personal growth is a different journey for different people. 

VI. Practice Verbal Appreciation

People migrate where they are appreciated, accepted, and acknowledged. Sometimes, people tend to bond by sharing common beliefs, values, and backgrounds.

Commonality and similarity are the foundation of any group of people. 

The only way to know a person is when they share their life’s story with you. Reciprocity is also one of the laws of influence. People are eagerly influenced when we return the favor.