The Only Way To Save Others Is Saving Yourself First.

I must learn to practice Ubuntu Philosophy and the Christian virtues on myself first in order to then be able to apply them unto others who I care for and love dearly. 

Author: Daphne Aketch

In the past several months, close to a year now, I have been struggling with this idea that I am extremely selfish.

Even as recently as last week, I was convinced that I am the meanest person I have ever met. This idea that I am selfish and mean has left me having a sleepless night or two.... or three AND it has also left me feeling ashamed and guilt that I do not deserve to have friends and family to care about me. 

Today, a term popped in my head: Self Preservation.

Self preservation was originally a term coined by Freud in regards to humans and animals innate need to protect themselves from harm or death.

It is also a set of behaviors by which humans and animals attempt to preserve their own existence. Freud connects it to our sexual instincts.

In my journey to understand myself with hopes of eventually achieving self mastery (in my death bed), I am beginning to understand where the association of selfishness leading to guilt and shame lies in human nature.

It is a part of humankind to experience this and more so, it is found in the non-western cultures due to our communal lifestyle.

Non-western cultures are beautiful in the way we depended on community to survive experiences such as hunting, work, planting, harvesting, childbirth, grazing animals, and even the tough times such as illness and death.

The importance of having good community was our way of self - preservation. In pre-colonial Africa, the concept of Ubuntu African Philosophy is just one of the examples of community importance.

Ubuntu, translated from bantu language means "I am because we are". Ubuntu is the belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity.

Other cultures who also rely heavily on communal lifestyles are Asians, Indians, Aboriginals, Islanders, Native Americans, and other native tribes found among major non-western civilization.

As an African descendant, born and raised, I am a proud proponent of Ubuntu. Always have been. Ubuntu African Philosophy has gotten my family very far in life, as well as my friends who have become my family in adulthood.

The beautiful Ubuntu which has gotten me to where I am today is also part of the reason why I feel like I am selfish and mean which leads to guilt and shame. Lemme explain...

Ubuntu Philosophy, described as 'being oneself through others' has been seen in practice by several big name African leaders such as Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Anti-Apartheid icon former South African President Nelson Mandela. 

To understand an individual who practices Ubuntu is to see and experience a person who has several of these QUALITIES below:

1. Sympathy, 

2. Compassion, 

3. Generosity,

4.  Sharing

5. Kindness, 

6. Obedience,

7. Interdependence and 

8. Caring. 

In Western culture, we can see this same list above encouraged within major Western religions. By the western religious context, Christianity and Catholicism, the list above would be termed 'Virtues'. 

As I mentioned before, I am a true proponent of the Ubuntu. Being raised in a home that housed four generations, it was ingrained in our lifestyle and to top it off, our home was Christian based and the schools I went to were Catholic schools. Both Ubuntu and virtues were built into the foundation of my being.

So where does the idea that I am selfish and mean come from? one would ask. Why am I riddled with guilt and shame to the point where it caused deep anxiety?

The answer is simple. The beautiful Ubuntu Philosophy alongside the Religious Virtues taught to me in childhood have driven a lot of why and how I serve humanity.

It is in my roots, the core of my being that it is a good thing to give, that it is the correct thing to sacrifice for others. Never in the lessons of Ubuntu or Christian virtues did I learn that first, one must give to self in order to give to others. 

Two analogies: 

First analogy: In a flight, the flight attendant informs all fliers in the airplane before departure that in case of an emergency where the masks are dropped and life vests given, one must wear their own oxygen mask and life vest first before putting it on another person. Even though the other individual is your own child or disabled parent. 

Second analogy: one must deposit into their own bank account in order to be able to withdraw from it.

These analogies are perfect examples of how important it is to practice Ubuntu and Christian Virtues within oneself first. The reality is that me, alongside many many others, don't understand that charity begins at home.

Once one is able to practice Ubuntu or the Christian virtues in ones own life, it becomes easier to give what is there in abundance. Straining ones own life for the comfort of another has often led to resentment between individuals hindering what could have been a good relationship had these concepts been addressed and understood in the beginning.

Self preservation is simply defined as a natural or instinctive tenancy to act so as to preserve ones own existence.

When I look into what is attacking my self worth to the point I see myself as selfish or mean leading to feelings of guilt and shame, it is the fact that like many in the world today, I am in lack and that has caused me to no longer be as generous as I used to be when I had plenty.

I am currently jobless. I am an educated young adult who has no money to his name, no home, no food. Nothing. I cannot pay any bills and rely on a friend to house and feed me.

The little we have is to be used very very well. I can no longer give as I was used to during my high flying days of employment. In my current life, every single penny counts and every bite of food cannot go to waste. 

I have always had a job, almost always had money, and after losing my job 3 years ago, starting 2 businesses that were affected by tariffs and now COVID-19, I have had the humbling experience of being homeless and sleeping hungry way too many times.

This wonderful experience changed me. To consider self preservation equal to being selfish is unkind and unjust. Self preserving is integral to healthy mind, body, and spirit.

It is through self preservation that we are able to protect our very essence from manipulation which can eventually lead down a very lonely unhealthy path that has the potential of creating vices or various unhealthy habits to cope.

I have discovered that I need to change the narrative in my mind away from self judgment and condemnation instead towards a healthy introspection. I must learn to practice Ubuntu Philosophy or the Christian virtues on myself first in order to then be able to apply them unto others who I care for and love dearly. 

It is very true that we treat our friends better than we treat ourselves. I must learn to treat myself as a friend and not as an enemy. I must encourage myself to set healthy boundaries and to verbalize them  to those around me.

I need to accept that I may lose people through the process and that is okay. I must understand that regardless of what other people may think or say about me being selfish is out of my control.

As I embark upon this journey of Self preservation, I must understand that I am not against Ubuntu, I am not against Virtues, and I am not selfish.