Learning To Forgive Yourself No Matter What Happens.

My dangerous relationship with the armed robber. I knew being with him was entirely wrong and I had to leave. However, the burning greed in me always covered my eyes like a cloud. It never allowed me to quit until I thought I've had enough.

Author: Anonymous

“I understand we all have imperfections and many things we’ve done in our past that we aren’t proud of, but these do not define who we are and what we are ought to be. That is if we can learn from those mistakes and make efforts to correct them.”

I was born and raised in a poor family by a single mother who struggled to make ends meet by laying bricks. Through God’s grace I managed to get an opportunity to acquire education. Despite the fact that I barely took a penny at school, I excelled in academics.

I usually helped my mother in the brick making process during the holidays until the age of 17. At 17, I got myself associated with a luxurious lifestyle to feel important and some sort of recognition among my peers.

For a person with a humble background as mine, I obviously couldn’t sustain this lifestyle. I therefore resorted to having several boyfriends, huh, I know some of the people in my age bracket can relate.

Along that journey I made up mistakes that am learning to own up, I made choices that were fueled with greed and pride.

I met with Paul (not real name) who was a year older than I, surprisingly the guy was too rich for his age. At first, I thought the chap was a tycoon’s son.

At the back of my mind I thought I had hit the jackpot. But you know nothing comes at a free cost, a few months down the road I found out the guy was an armed robber.

You might think that I ended it there, but no. I knew I had to leave and being with him was entirely wrong. I knew that for sure. However, the burning greed in me always covered my eyes like a cloud. It never allowed me to quit until I thought I had had enough.

I lived the “so called” happy life which was admired by all my peers. Those that didn’t know me would think I came from a rich family. Literally, I was living as a different person.

After the finalist's party that marked the end of my high school, I decided to let go of Paul and fortunately I managed to cut all ties with him for a few months.

However, a time came and I was in a situation that required his interference, I was so desperate that I looked for him without leaving any stone unturned.

With the help of my close friend we met with him and the first thing he did was to inform us that he was on the wanted list and didn’t want to involve us in anything risky.

He offered to give us some money so that we could catch up with him some other time. Unbelievably, we turned down the offer turning a deaf ear to the ringing bells.

We asked to go with him at his house knowing that we would get more than he offered there (he always kept a lot of money at his house).

He cautioned us to keep tight because it would be a bumpy ride. He said he wouldn’t pull over in case the situation worsened. To cut it short, we reached his house in Ntinda a kampala suburb not knowing that police were tailing us.

With the girl’s instinct, I felt something was weird. Looking around my eyes met with people peeping through the gate opening and all I said was “Paul run.”

In a blink, he was nowhere to be seen, we were left in the hands of ISO, I admit I could no longer feel myself, my heart beat violently and was pushing out of my chest soon.

The Internal Security Organization (ISO) officials clearly told us if the culprit wasn’t caught that day we would be tortured until we told them all his whereabouts and all his associates.

Surprisingly, arresting him was nowhere in my prayers. The chase continued for hours and at 8pm he was arrested. We were released on a condition that everything we had would be taken into the evidence box, that included our phones and money.

I couldn’t involve my poor mother in any of that, so walked to my friend’s home which was some hour’s away. These were the longest hours I ever walked.

Thoughts spilled in my head, I was full of confusion and fear, I had a lot of questions and worries that ISO was still watching me every now and then.

What if they had opened fired?, I would be dead. What if they came along with news reporters? My poor mother would be doomed; my relationship with her would be wrecked if she found out all of that.

It is never too late to change. After a few days I accepted to join the transformational leadership training (TLT), a Christian based training which helped me to find myself.

For Paul, he bribed the officials and was set off the hook after two weeks. However, two years later he was arrested and charged for murder, robbery and dealing in arms. He is detained in Luzira prison where he awaits for the final verdict.

For years I felt guilty for what happened. I regretted the day I stayed in his life after knowing everything that he was involved in.

I hated the greedy person that I thought I was until I learnt that I was human with flesh who can make mistakes.

Judging myself and criticizing myself wouldn’t turn the situation around. I had to take responsibility of my action and learn from them. I understood that mistakes are part of the journey of life and learned to forgive myself if things didn’t turn out the way I always wished them to.

Most of times the choices we make can shape our destinies. They always have repercussions but it’s ok to fall. What matters is getting up. However hard the fall might be or seem we always have the power in us to get up, dust off and move on.

Forgiving ourselves is essential, if you can freely forgive others, then why not the dearest person which is you. The worst person to judge you and criticize you is yourself.

It’s always better to let go of our past, take a lesson from it rather than condemning ourselves and move on with a smile.