If I Were My Mother.

If my mother had opened up to me, I would have learnt a lot from her. I wouldn't be battling a lot of things today.

Author: Gakunde Prayer

While I was setting up my table to work on my school project, my phone vibrated. It was a message from my mom telling me how I don’t have to worry about my little sister’s school fees, as we had talked about how it’s getting hard for her. Yet she didn’t want me to help out.

Well my mother is always like that just like every other Rwandan mother. I think they always want to do things by themselves without any support be it financially or emotionally.

It reminded me of a research we did when I was in high school. It was about how open Rwandan women are. The assignment was about finding out if mothers share their worries with their children or if they talk to them, if they ever seek professional help. Almost everyone in my class said their mothers didn’t. Well mine didn’t either.

Also, our teacher told us that when we grow up we will understand that a woman in Rwandan society has to be strong for the whole family.

I understand but isn’t she a human being to? Who does she go to, when everyone else in the family goes to her? Many questions flooded my mind by then.

Looking back when I was a kid, I always thought that parents knew everything. i Thought parents have everything. Isn’t that what we all grew up believing?

They give us answers to almost everything, even those that they don’t know themselves. I also think it’s something they were taught because every parent is like that.

One day when we were playing hide and seek with my siblings and our cousins, I went to hide in Mama’s room and found her crying so hard. I have never seen her like that before.

I didn’t ask her what was wrong and why she was crying because in an African household, it would be considered ill-mannered because we grew up being told not to ask our elders such questions.

So I didn’t ask her. I went out side and sat down wondering why my mother didn’t talk to me about it. “I am not that young” I told myself, at 12 years old I knew the world wasn’t always paradise. I knew how hard life could be. So I thought I would have been able to understand her.

Plus my mother and my uncles always said that I was clever. So why would she cry alone when "I" her first born was there?

Later on, I realized that my mother had never opened up to someone. No wonder i she passed that habit on me. I grew up so much like her though. I hate telling people my personal life or letting them know my stuffs.

I know if my mother had opened up to me, I would have learnt a lot from her. I wouldn't be battling a lot of things today.

If I were my mother, I would have taught myself to open up. I would have talked to my child about things that kept me crying all night.

I would have understood a lot of things than ending up figuring them out on my own. In the end I was able to figure out everything by myself although she didn’t share anything with me.

Look, mothers are our heroes but heroes are also people and people are not perfect. I don't mean my mother was a bad mother. What I mean is, if she had taught me everything besides numbers and manners but also speaking up and courage, I wouldn't be going to therapy on Mondays to learn how to speak up and heal my mental illness.

I know its not something hereditary but we all learn from what we see. and maybe that’s why as years pass by, our society still have women like me, women like my mother, women who don’t want to bother anyone with their problems.

We need to stop complimenting women on how strong they are. This could mean that they choose to be strong. It can also be the reason why they appear strong to fulfill society's wish.

I am still learning how to open up, how to ask for help, and help other woman and young girls how to achieve that.

But I always think, if I were my mother, I would have built a friendship bond first. I would have built a strong connection and I would have taught myself to not always be strong, but be human.

I don’t blame her though. This is what I am trying to build with Clara my best friend that I call my first born. Although it's hard but it's a journey worth taking.

Therefore I am being a mother I wish my mother was to me.